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Do you ever feel like the people around you are failing you?

I don't mean like failing to live up to their potential or messing up on something. I mean them purposefully (though not necessarily malignantly) failing your expectations and their promises in ways that hurt you and then are totally oblivious to the fact.

Lately everything my two best friends do seems to irritate me. Because over and over lately they've been breaking promises and changing plans and don't seem to be aware (or don't care, but I hope not) that they're hurting me. I'm in a very bad spot financially (and mentally tbh) right now and they keep doing things (or not doing things, more like) that cost me money or put more of a burden financially, mentally, and responsibility wise on me because they have other things to do or they just don't feel like doing whatever it is that they'd said they would do. One of my friends has probably also put me in a bad spot with some other things because of backing out on something that all of us were supposed to share the cost of after she begged me to let her in on it. The worst thing is that both of them just go on with their lives and don't realize what they're doing.

I don't know... I feel kind of petty about it, but at the same time, I kind of feel like everything is rushing in and trying to crush me right now (that's a post for another day I think), so this is just making life so much more difficult to slog through as the world crashes down around me and I try not to cry. And now I feel a lot dramatic because most things are only on the edge of disaster, not actually totally in the disaster zone yet, so things could be worse. It's just that I don't have anyone to talk to about it all because the ones I should be able to talk to are the ones that are the focus of my bad feelings right now. And I just don't know what to do about it.

I don't know if any of that makes sense, and to be honest, I just needed a place to vent where I don't think the two of them are going to see it. I think for now I'll close myself in my room, eat some chocolate, read some fic, and practice breathing exercises until I feel a little less like crying or shaking one of them because i really need to get it together because I have other things to do right now than dwell.

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December 2017

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