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just another bad mental and physical health day

I haven't seen a doctor in at least six years. My family can't afford the cost of a doctor's visit, and for most of that time I haven't even had health insurance so it would be even more expensive. This is especially a problem because I have diagnosed problems like asthma and depression (I don't think I ever posted about that, oops), but there are also a lot of things that I'd like to see a doctor about. I frequently go on webMD and other sites trying to figure out for myself what my symptoms mean, so I can at least see how vitally important it is to see a doctor to get treatment. I mean, I still wouldn't be able to actually go unless it was immediately life threatening or something, but I'd like to know.

Recently I've been researching fibromyalgia and... it pretty much completely explains every symptom I have. Usually I'll find something that a few symptoms match but the other symptoms I definitely don't have so I'm left kind of frustrated and wondering what the heck is wrong with me. But I really, really think this could be it. I've read articles on symptoms and treatments, I've tested myself and taken symptom surveys. And it still all fits.

It's not as freeing or relieving as I thought it would be to figure out what I might have. I thought it would allow me to relax and focus on the treatments I could do at home. And there are some things I can and will try, and I think some of my physical symptoms might be somewhat relieved, but it's not as mentally great as I was hoping. I was reading through a "10 signs you have fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue" thing, and a lot of it rang true and some of the points were even funny but... there was one that just made me cry because it hit too close to home, which I didn't even think was possible at this point.

It said:

You graduate from college and know that you are astounding and can run the world! Which you can, but only for about an hour... until you’re worn out.

And that's just it. I graduated from college almost four months ago and have accomplished almost nothing at all. I've been too tired to do more than make some plans, too tired to do more than one or two things from my to do list a day. I don't have a job, or even prospects of a job. My bank account is empty and I don't know what to do about that. In the past week I've changed out of my pajamas twice, left the house twice, and showered once. And been exhausted the whole time and feeling like I'm a failure.

I'd hoped that knowing a possible reason for why I'm too tired to ever do anything would help me feel better about how I feel like a disappointment and how terrified I am of not amounting to anything and how my family is poor and I can't do anything to help. But it's really not. Because there's still not much I can do about it, especially since I can't afford a proper diagnosis or medication or counseling for this or the other things I already have diagnosed. Everything seems to be standing in my way, I seem to be standing in my way, and I'm still stuck at zero with no place to go.



I'm going to offer advice - feel free to disregard.

Whatever the root of your health issues, it always helps to start with the basics. Stay hydrated (at least 8 cups of water daily). Eat nutritous foods - get enough protein, fruits and vegetables, stay away from caffeine, refined grains and sugars, and processed foods. Get some form of exercise daily. Start a stretching program. Get enough sleep.

There are depression self-help programs on the internet, designed to help people who don't have access to a counselor.

When you're ready, your college advising office should be able to help you with starting a job search. Your state may have online resources to help you find employment. In the meantime, you might consider volunteering your time for service in your community; it's good to get out in the world, and knowing you are helping others often helps build confidence and self-esteem.

It's been my experience that life events - even good ones, like graduating college - are stressful. I don't think it unusual to take a few months to recover before embarking on the next phase of your life.

*more hugs*


February 2019



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